Expect Frustration

The last few days my neck and my left arm are making me aware that fibromyalgia is still very capable of making me suffer. It feels like some muscle, tendon, or ligament has suddenly become shorter and is reacting with pain whenever I overstretch it by straightening my arm.

Last night I woke up during the night feeling the pain in my arm. I realized that I was lying on that side with my arm bent at the elbow and my hand under my pillow. “Oh, I get it” I thought to myself. “I am bending it in some unnatural way and straining it while I sleep.”

I rolled over onto my other side and tried to get back to sleep. All I could think about was how annoyingly delicate my body is. Any little “wrong position” creates such major havoc.

In the middle of the night of not sleeping, I try to distract myself. I kick my imagination into high gear. I think of one of my favorite fairy tales, “The Princess and the Pea.”

It seems a certain princess could only sleep on a 100% comfortable surface. To test her, they put a single pea under ten mattresses and asked her the next day how she slept. “Not well at all” she responded. “Some small lump kept me awake all through the night.” According to the story, her reply proved she was a real princess.

According to fairy tales, princes are handsome, strong, and brave; while real princesses are beautiful, intolerant fussbudgets.

In the real world, people of both sexes with fibromyalgia have a difficult time sleeping well and feeling good.

Since my imagination is already engaged, I envision myself approaching whoever is in charge of the real world to explain my grievances. I want to ask why I should have to endure perpetual torment. Oh sure, everyone has to suffer, I get that. Nobody gets an easy ride or a free lunch. But I want to know why I have to bear this invisible pain that will neither go away nor kill me. Is it doing me or somebody else some good? Am I becoming a person of great character and wisdom? Am I saving someone else from feeling pain? If it is all about being a princess, let me be a bag lady instead.

“I hurt” I say to the clock with its little hand on the two. “I’m very very very tired of having this crap.”

The moral of the story is that with fibromyalgia, frustration is predictable. Try to keep loved ones out of the line of fire, but give yourself permission to rant to an inanimate object like the clock in your bedroom, or someone clueless but empathetic like your four-legged friends. You might need to rant to someone who is divinely forgiving, like the higher power. Or perhaps, like me, you are lucky enough to be able to share it with people who really do understand, like the readers of your blog.

Sometimes after I’ve surrendered to my frustration, I feel like fibromyalgia has won the battle. Frustration makes me feel like I don’t have any options, so I try to remind myself that I do. I have the option to get up and take a hot bath, take an Advil, take a muscle relaxer, get up and stretch, or change my pillow to a different one.

For me, a good strategy is to anticipate my foe. I know that fibromyalgia will send frustration to the front lines of the battle. If I expect frustration, my enemy loses the opportunity for surprise. It has less chance to overwhelm and control me.

Morning comes, and the new day sometimes dissolves the pain and despair of the long night. Moods are changeable, and frustration is a mood. The sunrise and the nice weather get my attention. I do my stretches and my body responds positively. I write my blog. I focus on whatever brings joy.

Fibromyalgia is a challenging path that we didn’t choose. There is darkness and light along every path. On any journey, it is better to put your attention on the light.

If you have fibromyalgia, expect frustration. But give yourself permission to feel happy too.